A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: Sai got a new book! But this is not your average friendship book, no It's a dating guide! Will Sai win the hearts of Konoha's female population or will he end up sorely heartbroken? Crackish Sai fic. Enjoy!
1. The Book

Me: Hello! I think that it's about time a write a Sai fic. I love Sai I really do. I think that Deidara should have fought Sai. That battle would have been amazing! Anyways yeah, you gotta love Sai and his books.

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**Disclaimer**: I do now own Naruto. I **DO** however own **A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded** so don't go using it without permission. Ask first.

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A Dating guide for the mentally retarded. A Sai fic.

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Sai was at his favorite book store. It was time he decided to get a girlfriend. I mean Naruto was always hitting on Sakura and they had bonds with each other that they didn't have with him. Could love be another special bond? Sai was going to find out. A book on the shelf caught his attention. "A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded"

'This looks good' Sai thought so he bought the book and flipped through it. The book consisted of 10 chapters.

**A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded**

Ch.1… The woman and you

Ch. 2… What a woman wants

Ch 3… What a woman REALLY wants

Ch 4… Not interested?

Ch 5…Still can't catch her eye? Try flattery.

Ch 6… When you cross the line

Ch 7… A woman's wrath is like poison

Ch 8… Fixing all the little problems

Ch 9… Things better left unsaid

Ch 10… The age old question. A woman's age

With a satisfied huff Sai closed the book and headed home. Tomorrow, he was going to start reading it.

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Me: Review for next chapter!


	2. Chapter 1: The Woman and you

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I own all the girls that pwn Sai :D

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It was bright and cheerful morning. The birds sung the children laughed the girls screamed at Jiraiya peeking at them through the holes in the wooden wall separating the woman's and men's baths. Yes it was a very bright and cheerful morning. Sai welcome the morning with an equally, though emotionally flat, smile. He got dressed quickly and walked through his small kitchen. Picking up a piece of overly burnt toast that was in the toaster since the night before. He left his apartment, making sure he looked the door.

"Today is a new day for bonds." He said quietly out loud to himself. "With this book."

Sai was sitting at his favorite reading spot. A wooden bench under a tall oak tree in the park. He turned in his book to chapter one.

Chapter 1

The woman and you.

Women are the flowers of human kind and you

the man is the bee wanting

to pollinate that flower.

Sai had ever thought about it that way before. If made sense though. If one thought about it.

"Excuse me."

"Yes?" Sai turned to face a small pretty brunet with wide green eyes.

"May I join you?"

Sai looked from her to his book.

'_This is a perfect opportunity to form a bond._' He thought.

"Yes you may." He flashed her that trademark smile of his.

"Thank you." She daintily sat down next to him. Her arm brushing against his own.

Sai quickly read the rest of the chapter

But never tell a woman you think that.

They'll call you sexist and a bunch of other

crap and you'll never get in their pants

…ever…

So you should consider your relationship as equals.

Sai wondered blankly what "Get in their pants" meant.

"Is that a good book?" The girl asked, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Y-yes… beautiful flower."

"Ohh." She scooted away from him coyly. "You sure do say some nice things."

"Of course! We're equals after all."

"ooh you're a femmist?"

"uhh…. Yes!"

"Me too!" She scooted closer than ever to him. "Tell me more."

"um…" Sai referred to his memory of the first chapter. "Uh I want to get into your pants?"

SMACK! The hand mark on the side of Sais face was bright red.

"PIG!" The pretty girl screamed at him and stormed off.

"I wonder what I did wrong?" Sai rubbed his check. "Maybe the second chapter will give me better advice."

Lolz! Poor Sai. Anyways try to guess who wrote the dating book (wink) And Review!


	3. Chapter 2: What a woman wants

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I only own "A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded"**

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Chapter 2: What a woman wants.

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Sai was scratching his head. He walked down the busy streets of Konoha aimlessly. He was still trying to figure out when he did wrong in chapter one. Quickly he pulled his book from his pocket and started to read.

**Chapter 2: What a woman wants.**

Women want love and attention. They love

it when you shower them with gifts.

Woman also like thoughtful things.

Like a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates.

Woman also love sensitive men

who will listen to them.

They love to talk about themselves or

about their life.

They're not interested in you.

Never count on them to be interested in you

Women love romantic things like sunset walks

or dinners by candle light

Never stop doing this until you're married to them.

Then you can be the slob you really are.

Wow that's a lot' was Sai's first thought. 'Well better get started. Now where can I find a woman?'

"Sai!"

'Where does one find woman.'

"Sai!!!"

'Where to find a woman…'

"SAI!"

"Oh?" Sai turned around bewildered; he smiled when he recognized who was calling his name. "Hello Ino-chan." He flashed a fake smile.

"Are you out of it today Sai?" She asked leaning closer to her. It was then that Sai got an idea.

'Ino's a woman right? She also had bonds with Sakura. I should have bonds with her as well.' Referring back too his memory of the second chapter he carefully asked.

"Ino-chan would you like to have dinner with me?" Ino's eye got big and wide when he finished.

"Of course!" She practically screamed while hugging him to death. "I know the perfect place too!" With that she grabbed his wrist and dragged him off.

Things couldn't have worked out better for Sai. Ino had dragged him to the most romantic restaurant in all of Konoha. They got a table for two that had one tall, slender candle.

He was doing everything his book told him so far. He had already decided on the main topic of their conversation. Ino.

"So tell be about your day?"

"Y-you want to know about me day?" She gasped. He nodded. "Then I'll tell you everything!"

Ino went into an incredibly fast narration of her entire day. I do mean ENTIRE day. Second by second narration. She said "like", "Totally" and "frubular" ever five seconds. Sometimes saying "like" twice. She also gave her opinion on EVERYTHING. From her parents to her side job to the fashion wannabe that buys flowers every other day. Ino thought that half the town should be arrested by the fashion police.

"But you should see the shoes Sakura got they were like the bomb. I bought like five frubular pairs for my self live totally."

"You bought five pairs of the same shoe?" Sai had toned Ino until now. Giving a nod or a "Oh yeah" or "I agree"

"Well yeah?" Ino said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "A pair in each color."

"Oh I see…."

"So as I was saying…"

Blah, blah, blah was all Sai heard after that. She even talked when the food arrived. Not that she had any food to eat. All she ordered was a small salad. Nothing else. Although she did go rather heavy on the salad dressing.

"O-M-G I had a blast! Thank you so much for dinner Sai!" Ino giggled as they left the restaurant. Ino made him pay for the bill. Sai learned an important lesson today. Romance equals money.

"I don't understand why you had to make me pay Ino-chan. I'm not loaded you know."

"You're the guy. The guy pays for everything."

"Um…"

"In fact you're taking me shopping tomorrow!" Sai opened his small black wallet. It was completely empty. And he wasn't getting paid until the end of the week.

"I don't have the money." he said simply. Ino's face fell.

"Why don't you!" She suddenly screamed at him. He stepped back.

"I'm just a humble Shinobi!"

"But you're a guy! Guys always pay! I can't believe you were going to make me pay! You're such a jerk! Get out of my sight!" Ino gave him the beeyoch slap of justice and stormed off. Growling at little children as she went.

Sai did the only thing he could do. Look to his book for advice. And as it turned out there was a little bit more to the second chapter.

Of everything mentioned so far

the only thing that a woman wants

more than romance is

a rich guy.

Poor equals no girl.

You need money to keep a date.

Not always though. Many women aren't for that type of thing.

Just the super sexy pretty beeyoch ones.

Sai wished he read that sooner. Ino wasn't super sexy or anything but she sure as heak was a beeyoch. Sai walked home sad and depressed that another attempt at making bonds had failed. He didn't loss hope though. There was always chapter 3.

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MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH(reveiw)AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(what are you waiting for?)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(reveiw gosh dangit!)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


	4. Chapter 3: What a woman REALLY wants

Sorry for the long wait folks! But never fear! Due to a (cough) request (cough) from a reviewer a certain kunoichi (coughcoughhinatacoughcough) Ack sorry I've had a sore throat for the past three days. It's been driving me crazy. Well I'm going to shut up right now and let you get on with your life- I mean get on with the story! Enjoy.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I only own A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded.**

Chapter 3: **What a woman REALLY wants.**

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Sai walked down the busy streets of Konoha as he read his trust book. A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded. He read chapter 3 very carefully. He didn't want to misunderstand anything.

Chapter 3: What a woman REALLY wants

'_What could a woman really want?_' Sai thought curiously.

We all ready know from chapter three

that woman love money and romance.

But what a woman REALLY wants is a

unanswered question of Life.

I however

Have discovered what

a woman REALLY wants.

A woman wants…

The more he read the more enlightened he became. In fact he was so caught up in the enlighten-ness that he didn't realize that he was strolling right in front of the Hyuuga compound. He also didn't see the purple haired girl calling his name.

"Sai-kun!" The girl called shyly at him. Sai heard her this time and looked up. He found himself staring at pale eye wonder Hinata. The shy girl that acted like a wall flower all the time.

"Oh hello Hinata-san!" Sai chirped happily from behind his fake smile. Little did Hinata know that she was his next "forming bonds" victim-I mean choice.

"H-hello Sai-kun" She twirled her thumbs and stared at the ground.

Now Hinata, under normal circumstances, would have never ever called out to a scary person such as Sai but today she was following the instructions in the self-help book Neji got her for her birthday that year.

Step one was greet someone new, someone you don't normally talk to.

"Hinata-san" Sai started to follow the direction in his book. First he was supposed to grab her around the waist and pull her really close. Then he was to whisper seductive words into her ear. He felt a little odd going through with it but he already has his arms around her waist so he couldn't just stop now.

"S-SAI-KUN!" Hinata screamed in surprise. She was just going to start up a pleasant conversation, Step two, when Sai grabbed her out of the blue. Her face was redder than a tomato.

Now if Sai remembered right then the next thing he was supposed to do was set her down on a bed and…but how could he? He was in the middle of the street in front of the Hyuuga compound.

"P-P-P-Please L-let- g-g-g-go" Hinata just could say a gosh darned thing. She was just too embarrassed. Her self-help book ever said anything about this kind of thing. With a jolt Hinata remembered what her "What to do when pale vampire looking guys grab you around your waist and hold you there" book her father got her for her birthday three years ago.

Step one: YELL RAPE!

"R-RAPE!" She screamed as loud as she could.

Every Hyuuga, including Neji, within a five mile radius came running right towards the very spot, saw Sai and attacked him all at once.

(Later that day)

"Hinata-sama are you alright!" Neji held his dear cousin in his arms. "Did that freak of nature hurt you?"

"N-no…"

"Good."

Meanwhile Sai was currently being chased around Konoha by the entire Hyuuga clan. Sai decided that chapter 3 was a waste of time and that he should move on to chapter 4… as soon as he lose all the ticked off Hyuugas' chasing him.


	5. Chapter 4: Not interested?

Woah... two chapters in one day. Ya gotta give me props people!!

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto**. If i did then Sai would really be a vampire...hehehe. Oh And I am the one true owner of A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded.

Chapter 4: Not interested?

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Sai panted heavily as he grasped the side of an idle cart for support. He had managed to escape the angry mob of Hyuugas.

"Time…to...read...chapter…4" He wheezed. She stood up straight as he pulled the book from the bad in his belt.

Chapter 4: Not interested?

Many women will not

like you at first.

It often takes a while to catch their eye.

Be patient.

Do not lose your temper

and defiantly do not lie to them.

'_This chapter is easy enough'_ Sai thought joyously.

Show off your manly self when

trying to impress a girl.

Show of your killer abs

or your over stuffed wallet.

Sai needed to try this out. He was determined to find a girl to impress and make bonds with. All he needed now was a girl.

Strolling along casually down the street was a girl a little older than Sai. She had long blonde hair with a portion tied up at the top. Her left eye was covered entirely with her bangs.

When Sai saw her he decided then and there that he was going to make bonds with her. As Sai approached the girl he noted her rather muscular and masculine build. Sai shrugged it off however. Anybody with a feminine face like that had to be a girl.

"Hello" Sai greeted her brightly. She ignored him as if she didn't hear his call. He called again louder this time. Again she ignored him.

"Hello miss?"

The girl froze for a fraction of a second before exploding in his face.

"WHAT THE FRIGGEN HECK DO YOU WANT?" She screamed at him. Sai noted the masculine voice but again shrugged it off.

The girl continued to rant at him. He tuned her out like he dose to Sakura, waiting patiently for her to calm down. His book did say not to lose his temper after all.

After about five minuets of constant yelling she panted to a stop.

"Why are you staring at me?!?!?" She growled.

Sai flexed his abs muscles.

"Hey I asked you a question!"

Sai pulled out his wallet and fanned himself with it.

"OMG! I am not some cheap prostitute! You're a freak! I'm leaving this gosh forsaken town!" With that the girl stormed off ranting and scaring little children.

"Well that didn't go to well." Sai sighed as he trudged back home, sad and depressed.

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"Deidara how did the mission go?" Sasori asked his partner who came stomping into the clearing that they made camp at.

"I'm never going back to Konoha again!" Deidara, AKA the girl, screamed.

"Why?" Sasori asked with genuine interest.

"Cuz I got molested by some pale vampire like freak that wanted me to sleep with him!"

"…"

"And do you wanna know the worst of it?"

"…"

"HE THOUGHT I WAS A GIRL!"

"Well you do have a very feminine face."

"I HATE YOU DANNA!"

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**REVIEW PLEASE! Tell me what you think! Oh and if you want a certain character (perferably girl) to be Sai's next victem then please say so!**


	6. Chapter 5: Still can't catch her eye?

This chapter is a special THREE victim special! Enjoy!

Chapter 5 Still can't catch her eye? Try Flattery

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Sai just didn't understand. What did he do wrong in the last chapter? Maybe there was something wrong with him? Did he need to see a doctor? Maybe later. If this continued to be a problem.

He reached across his bed to his small bedside table and grabbed his book, **A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded** (all rights belong to me Tally Mai-chan). Flipping it p and reading over the next chapters title gave him some hope.

Chapter 5

Still can't catch her eye? Try flattery

If everything mentioned in the chapter before fails

then this page is your last resort.

Flattery is your next hope

Flattery may seem like the smart thing to do and should be done first

But.

Flattery that is not timed right can turn out horrible.

Comment her face. Her hair. Her clothes. Just talk about how

Pretty she is.

Just remember. Say the wrong thing at the wrong time and you will suffer.

Greatly.

Sai wasn't so sure about that hope anymore. This seemed like the most dangerous chapter of them all! Oh well. He wasn't going to make bounds by just moping around his room. He needed to get out and go make bounds,

(Later at the park)

Sai took a deep breath of fresh air. It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The birds sang, the children laughed and everything was perfect. All that was missing now was a girl for him to make bounds with...

"Hey! You!" Barked a rough female voice from behind him. Sai wondered if he was what Naruto called a "chick magnet" for whenever he started to look for a girl one popped up right behind him!

"Yes?" He turned as saw Temari with a mean scowl plastered on her face. "Can I help you?"

"That lazy bum Shikamaru ditched me and he was supposed to be my escort. Since I saw you with Naruto a few days ago I guess that you'll make a fine replacement."

Sai smiled his signature smile.

"I'd be honored to-" he paused remembering his book. "-to escort such a lovely lady as yourself."

"Wha??" Temari was taken back. So taken back that she blushed. She Temari blushed! "Oh.. of course."

"Where would you like to go?" Sai held out his arm like a polite gentle man.

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"Well...." Temari said slowly. "I have to admit... YOU ARE A GREAT GUIDE!" Sai laughed at the last part. Temari wasn't kidding. This guy, this wonderful... smart... handsome... no...sex guy had gave her a wonderful time in Konoha! All her last guide did, she refused to say his name, was walk her around to the most boring places and say "what a drag" Every five words.

Sure at first Sai's scary vampire like demeanor was a little off putting but this guy sure taught her "not to judge a book by it's cover"

" I'm glad that you had a wonderful time." Sai smiled at her. He decided now was the perfect time to form a bond with this girl. "But it was an even greater please, though more selfish on my part." he paused. Looking slightly ashamed of himself. " To have lead a exotic beauty as your self around this humble village.

_'Oh my pie'_ Temari thought. _'This guy is perfect.'_

"Even though this humble village really is ugly."

_'huh?'_

"It makes a hag like your self look pretty decent."

_'DIE!'_

Sai thought he knew what he did wrong this time. If only he hand learned that before he got slashed to bits by wind demon lady's giant fans. Sai was learning but very, very slowly.

Sai was tending to his cuts when a familiar face walked up next to him.

"Sai! What happened?" It was the weapons master TenTen who found our "bonds" master Sai.

"Hello TenTen-san"

"Sai-san?" Tenten said in her annoying high pitched voice (at least in the Japanese anime) "What are you doing? And why are you bleeding?"

"Well I... My you look wonderful today Tenten." Sai said smoothly. Tenten blushed at this and hardly noticed that he changed the subject.

"Oh." Tenten turned away coyly. "W-why are you so"

"Enough about me Tenten-_chan_" Sai skidded around to face her head on. "Tell me about Tenten-chan"

"Oh well I'm fine I guess." Tenten was extremely shocked. She was wary about him after she heard about the "Hinata" incident but when she saw him hurt and bleeding well she just had to say something. Sai really was different from what Neji described him as.

"You are so beautiful. Your hair is like the rich brown of roasted chestnuts. Your eyes are like pools of chocolate." Sai was hungry. He wondered where the nearest food place was.

"No... I'm not... My hair is not that nice... Well my eyes are beautiful." Tenten stared at Sai. _'What a great and wonderful man. He's so charming. What the heck was Hinata thinking when she sent the whole Hyuuga clan on him._' "Your so nice Sai." Tenten stared at her hands, mindlessly twiddling her thumbs. "Maybe you and I could go out somewhere and... um.........Sai?"

Tenten now just noticed the vacant expression on his face.

"Hm?" he turned sharply to face Tenten. "Did you say something buns?"

A vein popped on Tenten's forehead.

There are only three rules on team Gai. Rule one: Lee is never allowed to eat sugar. Two and three were the most important. Rule number two was that you never, NEVER ignored Tenten. Rule number three... never... ever... EVER CALL HER "BUNS!!"

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Sai was at Konoha hospital with 15 broken bones and covered head to toe in bandages. And he thought Temari was bad. Tenten when medieval on his wretched soul. Note to self. Never tick of a wepons master

"Sai?"

Sai looked up at the door to his room. Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He wasn't kidding. She was incredibly beautiful.

"My name in Konan- I mean Koann. I will be your nurse." she had beautiful long blue hair and gorgeous sapphire blue eyes. She raised a perfectly shaped eye brow at the boy who stared in awe at her.

"H-how-" Sai was struck speechless.

"What did you do to get so beaten up?" She stepped slowly towards his bed and with the grace of a swan pulled the click board in the little basket at the end of his bed. "15v broken bones. My, my." She shook her head. Stifling a giggle she impishly "Did a girl do this to you?"

Sai's eyes widened. "H-how did y-you know?"

Konna laughed. Oh what a melodious laugh it was! "A womans intuition."

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." Sai suddenly blurted. Konna laughed again.

"Yes..." A dark glint formed in her eyes. "You will do just fine." She lunged foreward, her hand constricting his neck. "Tell me everything you know about the kyubi."

"Kyubi?"

"The jinjuri-thingy ma bobber."

"Oh you mean Naruto."

"You know him?"

"Yeah. He's the one who mas bonds with everybody."

"Bonds?"

"Yeah you know bonds. The thing you have with people."

"Don't you mean sex?"

"So bonds is sex? Wow. I never knew. I have been doing this whole thing wrong."

"Just what is that?"

"Making bonds."

"How?"

"Well I got this book."

"Book?"

"A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded (all rights belong to Tally Mai-chan)"

"Okay kid I'm going on a limb here but I'm going to help you. Even though I should be interigaint you." Konan let him go and shuffled to thte door way. Looked both ways and shut the door and locked it. Next she glidded to the windows and closed the blonds. "Are you a virgin?"

"Whats a virgin?"

"Okay kid we got a lot to talk about..."

(one hour later)

"I see..." Sai said thoughtfully.

"Well are you good now?"

"Yes... thank you beautiful lady."

"Aww shut up. Oh yes the Kyubi."

"Naruto."

"...Naruto... tell me what you know about him."

"He has a small penis."

"..."

"So does-"

"Okay enough of that. Well I guess I'll be going now. Pein will be wondering where I am."

"hehehehe"

"What?"

"Pein rhymes with Penis"

"..."

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Sai was yet again in the hospital. Only this time was because he was brutally tortured by Konna who really was Konan from the infamous Akatuski.

Sai still thought she was beautiful.

Well it still seems like Sai has no luck with girls. Oh well. There's still five chapters left!


	7. Chapter 6: When you cross the line

Chapter 6: When you cross the line.

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Sai was checking out of Konoha hospital after spending weeks recovering from his triple female attackers. He was only slightly down hearted but when he remembered his trusty book he knew that everything will be all right.

Once Sai was back outside in the fresh air he pulled out his book, A Dating Guide for the Mentally Retarded (all rights belong to Tally Mai-chan)

Chapter 6: When you cross the line.

While enjoying your relationship with a woman

it is important to remember

that you must always be careful not to insult them.

Woman take insults very seriously

They will turn on you faster than you can say

"Im sorry"

Even if you say those words woman are very well known

for holding on to grudges

Even when they say they forgive you

they will often bring up any past offense

and use it against you

So always remember to keep on the right side of the line

and never put a toe out of line.

As the saying goes:

"Hell hath no fury like a woman angry"

"That doesn't sound fun." Sai said aloud, he knew that he has made many, many, many woman mad at him and all of them seemed to enjoy hurting him. Maybe there was something wrong with him? Was his whole approach to this all wrong?

He wanted to women to form bonds. What was so wrong with that? What if he meet women just to... meet women. Maybe he shouldn't do this for himself but for the girl.

"Yes!" Sai exclaimed, thinking about Naruto. Naruto didn't have bonds with Sasuke to have bonds, his bond with Sasuke was an after affect of their liking for each other!

Trumpets played by angels fell from the sky, the heavenly spectacle sending the air around Sai into a glorious array of light.

Sai was now enlightened in the art of women.

'I must try out this wonderful new discovery!' Sai thought as he wondered to a heavily populated part of Konoha. He was searching the crowd desperately, finally there she was. A woman who Sai could start forming bonds with.

"Hello Kurenai-sensei!" Sai smiled as he approached the genin teacher.

"Sai!" Kureni exclaimed angry. Ever since the "incident" with Hinata the poor girl faints with fright every time she saw a pale looking male and never talked anymore. And as a result Shino became even more angsty and Kiba follows (coughStalkcough) Hinata everywhere whimpering like a lost puppy.

"May I walk with you?" Sai asked politely.

"Yes..." Kurenai said warily, "Yes you can." She was mentally listing off all the nasty genjutsu's she and put on him.

"You look very beautiful today." Sai smiled.

"I suppose." Kurenai watched Sai's every movement from the corner of her eyes. "Up to anything lately?" She asks politely, a plan of revenge for her pupil already formed in her head.

"I have been busy forming bonds." Sai confessed. "It is much harder than I thought it would be." Sai rubbed the back of his head shyly.

Yes Kurenai has heard of Sai's "bond making". Her pupil had to suffer from one such "bonding". Step one in her plan was already finished. Find Sai. Now for step two.

"Are you hungry?" Kurenai smiles at Sai. The boy's eyes widen, as he stares at Kurenai. "It is lunch time after all." She insisted.

"If you say that..." Sai said carefully. "Then how can I deny your generous offer." He gave her his widest, most flat smile as they walked down the road.

* * *

Step two in Kurenai's plan was going perfectly. She had successfully dropped Sai's guard. Even now as he ate his dumplings was was completely unaware of his fate.

"These dumplings are really good." Sai said even though he only had half of one.

"Yes they are" Kurenai had to stop herself from smiling evilly. Time for step 3, the last and final step.

But before she secretly killed the pale vampire boy and burn his body to hide evidence, she just wanted to know one thing.

"Why are you so interested in forming 'bonds'?"

"Well, because bonds look like a special thing that normal people have."

"I see..." That was all Kurenai need to know, now for the killing.

The moment Sai's back was turned Kurenai's hands flew through the hand seals need to form her most nastiest genjutsu. The genjutus' was long and difficult but oh so worth it. She just need to finish it before Sai noticed.

"Hey!" A high pitched annoying voice broke her concentration. It was Konahamaru.

"Hello little friend of Naruto." Sai greeted the tween boy.

"Hey vampire dude!" Konahamaru pointed dramatically at Sai. "The name is Konahamaru! I'll be the seventh Hokage someday so don't you get on my bad side!"

"My bad, my bad." Sai laughed.

"What do you want Konahamaru-chan." Kurenai quickly asked in a fake preppy voice. Konahamaru's eye glinted as if he were just waiting for one of them to ask that very question.

"Naruto-nii-san taught me a new jutsu! Wanna see it?"

"Sure!" Sai had a faint idea of the kind of jutsu Naruto taught the young aging boy.

"Super centerfold jutsu!" Konahamaru screamed as there was a puff of smoke and three naked girls appeared from the smoke and hugged each other.

"Good job." Sai clapped his hands together, smiling.

"I know right?" Konohamaru grinned as he changed back. Kurenai who had just completed her genjutsu cast it on Konahamaru in her rage. She was apart of the female rights to no porn movement after all.

"OH MY GOSH!" Konahamaru screamed as the genjutsu set in. The things he saw were too horribly explit and gross to even be written down. Sai was seriously scared and ran out of the restaurant before he was Kurenai's next victim.

Sai decided to find a... less dangerous woman to form a bond with. And he found Ino....

Sai tried to run but Ino caught his arm.

"Hey Sai!" She greeted, rubbing her check on his arm. "What's up?"

"Um..." Sai gave her his flat smile. "Aren't you mad at me?"

"Well.... I was thinking and maybe I was kinda harsh on you."

"Yes you were." Sai agreed though that was the worse thing he could have done.

"Are you calling me a beeyoch?" Ino pulled away from Sai's arm, her face mad. Sai remembered this from his book and started to panic. He reached for his book and started desperately flipping though it. "Hey!" Ino snarled and threw his book down the street where it landed in a pot of water. "Listen when I speak to you!"

"Oh! Um well... you see..." Sai had no idea what to do without his book, the book never said anything about what to do if you lost the book!

"I can't believe you." Ino jabbed her finger into his chest. "First you made me pay for dinner way back then and when I come crawling back to you, you just kick me back down."

"Um... I think we're being a little irrational here..." Sai said, putting his arms in front of him defensively.

"You're calling me irrational? I don't believe you!" Ino slugged him in the face and stormed off screaming.

Sai was literally a kicked puppy with nowhere to go, he had lost his book and he had yet to form bonds. Sai needed help, and soon. He couldn't depend on his book anymore, he needed a teacher. Someone who knew the ways of the book, someone... someone.

Then it hit Sai, no it really hit him. A gust of wind blew a flier into his face. It took one glance at the flier for Sai to know that fate was giving him a sign. He threw the sign down-shame,shame Sai no littering!- and ran down the streets.

On the sign read:

Need help forming that special bond?

Need a teacher?

Well the Great Jiraiya is here to help

Come down to hot springs for a lesson in

Bonds.

Sai knew that nothing could go wrong.

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Me: Omg I finished a chapter! Yeah, yah I know it has been a long time since I updated well thats true for A LOT of my stories. My writing mojo has been off for a bit but I think I'm good for a while now.

REVIEW PLEASE!


	8. Chapter 7: A womans wrath is like poison

Me: Yay, and were back with another Chapter!! Summer is almost over It makes me really sad. Also I'm super sleepy because Extreme Makeover is doing my next door neighbors house right now. So no sleep at night for me.

Chapter 7. A woman's wrath is like poison

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"Okay kid. The first ting you need to know about making bonds is to get in quick and charm the woman. It never fails."

Sai took notes passionately as his teacher, THE GREAT JIRIAYA-SENSEI!, spoke.

"I see..." Sai said slowly, letting everything click together in his mind.

"Also, if you want the "chunka, chunka" you gotta be super careful of what you say. It takes only one misplaced word to ruin a moment." Jiraiya stroked his chin thoughtfully, never had he had a student so engrossed in his life lessons than Sai was.

"Thank you so much oh great legendary Jiraiya-sensei." Sai bowed respectively and this action struck Jiraiya deeply.

"Kid," He said. "I may have only known you for half a day but I like you. Here take this."

Sai received the book given to him by Jiraiya and studied the brown paper cover.

"That is my super special guide to... well, to the "chunka, chunka". The cover was too pornographic to be shown in public so a paper cover had to be placed on it but worry not. So remember, if your going to get into the "chunka, chunka" read that."

"Again I thank you," Sai bowed again and Jiraiya dismissed him from his class, with full marks.

Sai was back out on the town, armed with two books this time. He didn't know what "Chunka, chunka" ment. He knew what sex was, and sex was between a guy and a girl. Konan taught him that. So maybe "chunka, chunka" is the opposite of sex and something you do between two guys or two girls. So it was bond forming technique used to forge bonds with your fellow man or woman.

Sai marched proudly down the market street. Halfway down, for no particular reason he took a dark side alley that looked like it would make a nice shortcut.

The alley was dark and creep, rats scurrying into ever nook and cranny. Green mold growing on the walls.... and a woman siting behind a stand.

"Pssst." She whispered to Sai. "Pssssssst"

"Yes?" Sai said, bravely approaching her. She had an odd appearance. Her hair, one side straight and neat, the other messy and un-brushed.

"Do you know anything about a person named..... Sasuke Uchiha??"

"Who's asking?"

The girl hesitated for only a moment before answering. "The name's Karin."

"Sai."

"I don't care about your name!! I need to know about Sasuke-kuuuun!!!"

"Hmmm.... Sasuke...." Sai didn't know much about Sasuke at all. He knew that he was Naruto's "special friend". Maybe they've done the "chunka, chunka" Jiriaya talked so fondly about and that's why they're so close.

"Well??? Do you know anything or not!??" She whispered urgently.

"I'm his replacement." He said, hoping it was helpful to Karin.

"Replacement?"

"Yes, when he left the village I was put on his team to fill the void."

"Hmmm.... I see..... very well. I have no more use for you. Go away!" She turned quickly and heatedly wrote down things in a small notebook.

Sai watched her, curious as to who she was. Maybe he could form a bond with her. He took this chance to peek in his book and see what wise words of wisdom it told him now.

Chapter 7

A woman's wrath is like poison

The woman is a mysterious creature

one moment content and happy, blissfully ignorant

the next

wrathful and violent.

All it takes is one word to throw a woman into a state of violence.

Or maybe a act she finds offending

this too and send her into a fit of rage.

"What are you still doing here? I told you to scram!!" Karin yelled at poor Sai.

"Ah.... I'm sorry, but if I may...."

"May what?" Karin asked, somewhat interested. What could she say, she liked the pale types.

"Would you like to form a bond with me?"

"IEEE you pervert, you're not talking about sex are you? Noway! I'm saving myself for Sasuke! Argh, why do all the jerks have to come after meeeeeee?" Karin ran off, leaving Sai to himself in the dark alley.

Two failed mugging attempts on him later Sai exited from the alley and saw Sakura and that strange girl together. Karin seemed to be telling Sakura something.

Sai walked up to them, hoping to make amends to Karin. The two girls saw him approach and Sakura got a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"Sai..." Sakura said lowly. "Is it true that you have been harassing girls??"

"Its not harassing Sakura-san, its making bonds."

"So you are harassing!" Sakura growled, her lethal fists tightening. " I can't believe you Sai! Why do you have to do these strange things!!! You're not reading another book are you?!"

"Um well... you see.... its like this-"

"I don't care! Why can't you be more like Sasuke-kun Sai."

"Sasuke?!?" Karin jumped into the fray.

"Do you know something about Sasuke???"

"What, Sasuke's mine b!tch."

"What!?! Sasuke is soooo mine. I have his shirt! Freshly stolen from the laundry!"

"What? How the hell did you get his shirt!?!"

"I don't need to tell you anything pink-whore. Sasuke and me are going to have sex and he'll hold me in his strong arms and tell me how beautiful I am."

"You wish. Sasuke is going to come back to the village and pick me up and carry me away."

the two girls argued fervently and Sai was at a loss of what to do. So he looked in his book.

When woman get angry

not only do they take it out on you

but do they also tell all their friends and get them to hate you too.

Also woman can easily turn on another, without the same goal

(making you miserable)

they would be at each others throats.

Coming to a quick decision he jumped into the argument, trying to calm the two girls down. They both punched him and beat him to a tiny pulp before going back at it. Sai crawled away, taking cover from the cat fight behind a tree.

He opened his book and finished reading the chapter

Do not

I repeat

DO NOT!!!

try to break up a cat fight between two arguing woman.

It is impossible and you end up hurt and beaten.

The best course of action is to hid and cower in fear.

Throughly beaten down, Sai gave up and stayed under the tree. Heartbroken and fully crushed to fell asleep under the tree. But not before throwing his book down the street and into the trash.

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Me: Has Sai given up on the book? Was the pressure just too much for him? What will happen next! Who knows! Review to find out!!!


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